Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic
i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
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