You know you think of me naked too
Not since I found Jesus
If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
Randomize
