We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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