a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
how can i change my meal plan to a keystone plan?
Am I a whore if I make out with a boy just so michelle can't?
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
She's the barista slut.
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
On a scale of 1 to 10 how concerned should I be
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
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