the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
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It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
don't judge my taste in strippers
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I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
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