Old men and throwing up are my life now.
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
Shame is for Republicans.
Randomize
