So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
Randomize
