I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
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Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
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We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
You're like the Miss Manners of anonymous gay sex.
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
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