I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
Excuse me but the alley way I wanted to fuck in happens to be a very nice clean area.
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
Randomize
