well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
im trying to find a facebook picture of him that doesnt make me regret sleeping with him. its not working
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
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