just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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