i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
What changed your mind?
Being sober
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
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