There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
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