this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
I woke up from my nap, looked out my window, and saw about bout 6 people get tasered in less than 20 seconds.....could someone please tell me what's going on.
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
Gotcha. How bad is it?
Well to compare it to something I would say it what's that walls would like inside the primate exhibit at the zoo after a group of monkeys finished throwing feces at each other all afternoon
Your shirt... Was in my pants
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
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