did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
we used the bottom of a tampon for coke since no one had a 20 on them. My life has resisted to this.
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
Handicvap rails on the toilet atre soooooo fuckin handy right nmow.
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
Randomize
