I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
Wow I didn't even consider the possibility of him having ED. I'm gaining so many life experiences from dating an older man
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
