There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
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