I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
Randomize
