I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
I was at his place until 2am. We just sat really close an stared at each other. I think you are right. Germans must not have feelings. Not even tingly ones in their pants.
Randomize
