he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
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