Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
I hope you realize, I'm counting on you as my wingman next semester. It's your turn to advertise another man's penis. I did my tour all freshman year.
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
Yeah Greg found him eating out of a tuna can with a pill cap
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
Randomize
