I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
there is no way he can be that small
look on the bright side he'll over comepensate
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
im on the hungover til tuesday pabst blue ribbon diet
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
Hey, I'm 22. I'm allowed to have a sex life and you're going to hear about it.
That's the 2nd med student that has had his tongue in my butthole, what gives.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
Randomize
