Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
hes fine. but he did fall asleep while tebowing and started snoring
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
Randomize
