Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
what the fuck is a social media consultant, who does she consult for, and how bad is she at it? her facebook account is currently hacked and posting ads for the ipad 2 on my newsfeed
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
Yep. It's going to be us, strippers, and drag queens.
A glittery, gay, heavily makeuped, scantily dressed clusterfuck.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
Randomize
