At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
Randomize
