Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
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