I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
Was it cool?
About as cool as only getting a handjob on your honeymoon.
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
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doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
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i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
Why did my mother make you get naked?
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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