we both passed out while playing beer pong, woke up in the morning and continued to play coffee pong to cure our hangovers
Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
I know he gets bloody noses a lot...so that explains all the blood...but I'd say the condoms are definitely from a penis.
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
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