Tell him ill love him long time
I'll assure him of it
So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
Randomize
