Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
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