i would punch a child for taco bell
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
You then began crawling around in the grass with a magnifying class saying you were searching for the magic school bus.
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
All three women i have fucked in the past week are here in the same bar. Gameface, go.
Gonna go for any of them?
Thursday night girl, but friday is watching and tuesday is serving us.
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
Randomize
