Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
All I know, is I had green sex and beer and got driven home. That's it.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
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