insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
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