i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
Sooooo drunk. We had the best sex ever and after he looked at me and said "That's whats up". I looked at him weird and he said "Young Jeezy would say it" and passed out on me naked. I think i might be in love
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