Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
Jack off faster Americas best dance crew is beyonce themed
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
High-fiving last weekend's hook up in passing on the way to class has given me quite the lady boner.
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
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