The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
sounds like it. if it makes you feel better i blew up a $75000 farm tractor last night.
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
that may or may not have been my penis.
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
Randomize
