I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
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