Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
pshh wine cellars. now if he has a tequila cellar whole different story
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
how did the keg end up in the top bunk?
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
im on the hungover til tuesday pabst blue ribbon diet
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
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