oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
There are rumors he has a square penis....ill do anything though....
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
