I want to dip my vagina in sugar. Not only will it be sweet, but it will have a nice sparkle.
I really need to stop carrying a flask around with me in my backpack at school..
Aren't you in 8th grade?
9th, but that's not the point.
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
Randomize
