we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
When we tried to make a video I set the camera to 3sec pictures accidentally so instead of a movie we have a flipbook of our sex.
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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