booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
I don't see why I have to pay for it.
your head went through the window, you're pretty much obligated to pay for it.
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Randomize
