if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
Randomize
