and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
There's always time for handjobs
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
Randomize
