if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
I think your dad took our porno
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
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