When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
she told me i should dip my dick in chocolate and then let her blow me since it was her 2 favorite things. weird or my new valentine for this year?
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
How many weight watcher activity points do you think sex is worth?
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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