Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
Randomize
