If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
Your dick is once again the conversation topic.
idk whats worse playing power hour to yourself, or the fact that you were having fun while doing it
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
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