You can't wash away shame.
I can try.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
Is "blowjob enthusiast" a bad costume?
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
Randomize
