are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
Randomize
