Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
I AM TEN TEQUIA SHOOTS ON AND I JUST SAW SOMEONE DO A BODY SHOT OFFF OF JESUS
THIS FEELS SO WROG AND OH SO RIGHT
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
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