Steve is enlightening me on how and why u put gerbils up your ass
you have to choose: penises or morals?
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
I thought 4 percs were too many but I'm dumping Gogurt on apple pie and taking giant bong rips. This feels right.
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
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