i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
He sent me a dick pic for every page I had to write for final papers (87) & brought me adderall. Tell me that isn't romance.
is caitlin alive?
ya she's alive she's watching a movie
ok remind her she drank toilet water then.
Randomize
