it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
Randomize
