The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
Randomize
