Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
...., I just tried brushing my hair wothh a toothbrushg. fail
ps not my toothbrush awkward.
i just remembered that i beat off next to you while we were naked and passed out next to each other after last night... No Homo
there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
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