my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
You can't play that off as role play thing. You held my hips and kept yelling "put a baby in me!" That shit ain't cool.
good news: smoking weed at school again, quality of life has improved drastically
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
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