i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
i may not always bang 16 year olds but when i do, i prefer hot ones
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
We are not buying weed off a guy from the internet.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
welp,tonight ive reached new levels. by new levels I mean,i showed some guys my boobs for water. on your tab.. the most pointless thing ive ever done. either we should hang out way more,or never again.
Randomize
